Nationwide Bus Campaign planned - "Astrology Probably Isn't Horseshit"

Fake astrology. It's one of the fastest growing phenomena of the 21st century, and it's giving authentic astrology a bad name. The purpose of this group is to separate the real astrologers from the phonies, so that the wary horoscope reader can attain a truly accurate picture of what exactly is going to happen to them next week, as opposed to being misled by the random musings of some well-meaning but clueless amateur, unversed in the true secrets of the cosmos.

Why is this? Whither these fakes? Well, it may be that reports that Jonathan Cainer, who writes the horoscope for the Daily Mail, is the highest paid “journalist” in Fleet Street. I use those inverted commas not out of despair at what the fuck kind of nation of featherheaded, disliterate fucking irrationalists we have apparently degenerated into, but because the word “journalist” does not do justice to the transcendental nature of Cainer's musings. It seems, these days, that anyone who acquires a top hat and a wand can consider themselves a magician; similarly, it would seem, from the plethora of amateur astrologists out there, that anyone with a cheap telescope, a laptop and the ability to spell Sagittarius can consider themselves a Cainer. They cannot. They must not, if all is not to be lost.

Our message is plain – ALWAYS STICK TO THE PROFESSIONALS. I refer, of course, not just to Cainer but to the likes of Neil Spencer in The Observer, Shelley Von Strunckel in The Times, Neil Spencer (yes, former editor of the New Musical Express Neil Spencer) in The Observer, or Debbie Frank in the Mirror. Through years of rigorous study of the movements on the celestial orbs, of astrological theory in all its luminous cogency, they have arrived at a pinpoint where they can tell you exactly what Fate has in store for you.

Here are a couple of brief examples of professional astrology. Shelley Von Strunckel in The Times, for instance, this week foretells that next year, it behoves us to “exceed your expectations of yourself and be the best that you can.” This is astrology at its best – helpful, precise, free of any trace of sanguine triteness, prescient and crafted to set you on the right track. I, for instance, had planned to be the worst that I could be next year. In my ignorance, it seemed like a good plan. The Stars however have shifted, aligned, and illuminated me, the wisdom of their movements channelled by Frau Von Strunckel. Then there is Debbie Frank, who of Virgos (like myself) writes with regard to next week, “Change needs to take place and this will happen one way or another.” Well, there you go. I am a typical Virgoan, except in the ways in which I am atypical, and that certainly speaks to me. The balls of these people. I refer to their crystal balls, of course, and small wonder that those balls are made of crystal because Ms Frank could not have made things clearer than that.

Here, by contrast, is a pitiful piece of amateur astrology, culled from one of the many astrological blogs rampant nowadays. In the Aries column, it reads, “Due to the movements of Mars and Jupiter you will die in a train crash next Tuesday.” Who is this clown? If Astrology teaches us nothing else, it is that everything that happens in the future is going to be NICE. The stars have foretold it. Would Cainer ever make a crass error like that? Of course not. That's why he makes the big bucks.

Of course, fake astrologers can somehow make it into the ranks of even the most respected tabloids. There is the true story of Kelvin Mackenzie, who, while editor of The Sun, decided to sack the paper's astrologer. “As you have no doubt foreseen, you're fired”, he wrote to the former incumbent in his memo. A lot of people laugh when I tell that story but I can't understand why. Mackenzie had observed that a member of his staff was making statements within The Sun which would turn out to be completely untrue and this could not stand – the rare aberration was cut out like a cancer.

We therefore plan a nationwide campaign. A Bus Campaign, perhaps, with advertising hoardings reading as follows: “ASTROLOGY PROBABLY ISN'T HORSESHIT – Now Relax Because Your Fate Is Predetermined By Giant Magnets In The Sky.” Of course, between us, we really think that astrology definitely isn't horseshit – but what with the regulators, the ASA, etc, we have to opt for the more prudent “probably”.

Your support, particularly financial, is of vital importance. Send me all the money you can, either in bundles of cash or in cheques payable to David Stubbs. Have faith, the same faith that you do in the workings of astrology, that the monies received will all be spent in a good cause.