Things your bank teller hates

please take this seriously, but with a grain of salt. we love most of our customers, and if you're guilty of any or all of the following, we want to love you too! help us out!

General Complaints:
1. Come PREPARED to the bank. it is severely annoying to us and everyone around you (including the drive thru) to have to sit there doing nothing while you're filling out the slips/signing checks you should have taken care of before you came. at the very least, make use of the writing station.
2. do NOT hand your bank teller a check and expect him/her to know what to do with it. if you're looking to deposit it, YOU NEED A DEPOSIT SLIP. period.
3. we do not fill out your slips for you. please see #1.
4. balances and lollipops qualify as "anything else."
5. furthermore, please ask us for your balance before we start your transaction. that way, if we forget to print it, it's on us.
6. we do not HAVE to give you money if we don't know who you are. if we ask for ID, we're doing it to protect your money, not to annoy you. trust me, we have plenty of other ways to annoy you. fork over the ID if we ask for it.
7. if we can't cash the check you hand us and it isn't drawn off YOUR account, we can not, and will not, tell you why. so don't get snippy. would you want everyone you wrote a check to to know your balance is -$200?
8. do not give us crumpled money (attn: strippers, bartenders, and teenage boys). do YOU like getting crumpled money from the bank?
9. the "cash" line of your deposit slip is for CURRENCY, not checks you want deposited "as cash."
10. there is no such thing as "as cash." funds are either "available" or "unavailable." the only thing that is "cash" is CASH MONEY.
11. please call ahead for change orders.
12. don't tell us what a shame it is that we're inside on nice days. trust me, we know.
13. DO NOT give me your trash unless it is CONFIDENTIAL MATERIAL. your banker is not your slave!
14. please put any requests for cash back in the "cash back" or "less cash" line of your deposit slip. do not expect us to know that you want cash back, even if the amount you wrote on your deposit slip is less than the amount of the check. that being said, if you didn't fill out your deposit slip with the full amount of each individual check, you didn't fill it out right, and you're annoying.
15. if we're immensely busy, don't ask why you waited so long or be rude to us. we apologize in advance and we're just as pissed as you are.
16. don't tell me how to do my job. you have no idea what you're talking about.
17. consider any and all bending of rules as a "one time courtesy." the phrase "I do this all the time" won't change our mind. it just means you haven't been caught doing something you aren't supposed to do before that point.
18. please call ahead for large withdrawls. do not confuse the bank for the mint.
19. even if the bank is open on holidays...stay home and celebrate with your families. don't bother us. your deposits won't be available any faster.
20. if the door doesn't open the first time, we're closed.
21. we see so many people every day, we will not remember you or your account number by tomorrow. probably not even 10 minutes from the time of your visit.
22. the last 4 digits on your receipt are not your full account number
23. please use slips appropriate for your account type (i/e: a checking account deposit slip for a checking account)

Drive-Thru complaints:
1. if you come to the first lane, prepare for your transaction to blow away. it was a seriously misguided judgment call to come to the first lane when it's extremely windy or rainy. it's not our fault or problem if your stuff blows away.
2. please press the call button ONE time. pressing it repeatedly is obnoxious, and we're inclined to ignore you.
3. when there are several open lanes, please do not crowd the first lane. it's not productive for any party involved and it's annoying to have to wait for customers who aren't prepared 90% of the time anyway.
4. the first lane is NOT an express lane. you will wait as long as everyone else. in fact, sometimes more, because we hate that lane so much.
5. the drive thru is made of BULLET PROOF GLASS. we CAN NOT HEAR YOU unless WE have turned the microphone on.
6. that being said, please do not yell, wave, or honk your horn at us. it is extremely rude and we'll ignore you. that's why we have a call button. please see #2.
7. please say "hello" when we greet you. saying "checking deposit slip" is not a proper response to the question "hello, how are you today?" and believe it or not, we're people too, and we deserve to be acknowledged.
8. when the tube is being sent to us, we can not hear you, even if the mic is on. reminder: we can't hear you if the mic isn't on from our end! (note bene: holding the call button in does not turn the microphone on. no matter how hard you try)
9. when the drive-thru is packed with cars, I'm sorry to report that your transaction is not most important. sometimes you do have to wait because of the jerk that sends through 900 deposits. we go in order of arrival as best as we can.
10. please do not speed around the building
11. please enter through the "entrance." no short cuts!
12. large withdrawls should be done through the lobby only. same for money orders, cashier's checks, and any bills.

NEW Complaints! (and we keep them coming)
2. your brat gets the color lollypop I give him or her.
3. the question "how would you like your cash back?" refers to denomination, not color or country of origin.
4. no, we do not have spare money lying around, nor can we give you extras. and if we did, we'd have dibs. we don't share. and you're also not very funny for asking, it mostly makes it awkward.
5. sadly, "how to read the minds of your customers" day also falls on "teller skip day" during teller training. we need you to tell us what you want, as most of us aren't psychic.
6. don't give me a hard time when I can't deposit your husband/wife/daughter/son/third cousin/estranged uncle/neighbor/close friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog's check into your account. if it's not YOUR name on the check, it can not go into your account without permission. and that requires that person to be present with ID!
7. furthermore, checks made out to 2 people need to be deposited into accounts with both people's names on them! exceptions need to be approved by our managers or governing banks and also require that person to be present ID. period!
8. I'm just following orders when I tell you I'm not allowed to do something. if you really have a problem with it, don't scream at me like I'm the one who wrote the rule. I'm a peon teller, not the CEO. if I was, I wouldn't be standing in front of your bitch ass with a smile on as you screamed at me.
9. CALL US IN ADVANCE for change orders and large checks. is it really that difficult? we're the bank, not the mint.
10. no, you can not cash a $30,000 check and walk out with cash today. absolutely not. we need notice if we're able to do it at all.
11. certified checks and money orders are not made available because they're guaranteed funds. they are only guaranteed by the bank they're drawn off of, and if it isn't our bank, they're subject to the availability time frame.
12. the drive thru does not have a customer service rep. get off your fanny and come inside to open and close accounts!
13. if your account is overdrawn, I assure you, it was your fault, you did do it, and the bank is more than likely not responsible for it.
14. if you're standing in our lobby...WE'RE OPEN!
15. I can't believe I need to say this...but if you aren't a customer of our bank and need to cash a check drawn of a bank other than our can't cash it here. period.
16. we can't guarantee funds availability. if you need to write a check to someone, make sure you have the amount in your account before you write the check. we're not responsible for it bouncing!
17. the next person who I answer the phone for to the question: "hi are you open?" is receiving a "nope, we're closed"
18. your social security number is NOT your account number! and neither is your mac/credit card number!
19. let's review: in the real world, red lights means stop, and green lights means go, right? well, in the banking world, red lights mean CLOSED and green lights mean OPEN. let's be vigilant, people. we have brains for a reason
20. PLEASE come to the window when you're called! it is so awkward to have you stand there while I'm finishing something. I promise I'll get to you asap.
21. if you bank at A branch and you're visiting B branch, and the people at A branch have known you for 210 years, we need your ID at B branch if we don't know you.
22. don't complain about denominations. just effin deal with it.
23. do you know how IMPOSSIBLE it is to find "crisp" or "new" 10s, 5s, and 1s?!?!?!?!??!?! 100s, 50s, and marginally 20s are one with the "soft" and "old" small bills. seriously.